Monday, May 25, 2015

If the Tiara Fits...

I’ve finally decided what I want to be when I grow up (besides Sofia Vergara).

I want to be the first thing people think of in the morning, and the reason they toss and turn all night. I want to be hot and steamy, desired and adored (just like Sofia Vergara). I want to bring happiness and joy, insight and energy to the downtrodden masses.

I want to be Caffeina: Goddess of Coffee and Bringer of Peace, Calm, and Consciousness.

That's Caffeina, like Athena... only different. I’m still working on the complete job description/backstory/lore. But I do have some important details worked out:

Yes, The Who's “Athena” – with a few modifications – will be my theme song.

There will be a tiara involved. A big-ass, shiny tiara.

There will be coffee, obviously.

And a hashtag. I’ll have to have my own hashtag. #gottahaveahastagtoberelevent.

And I'll need a logo so I can sell t-shirts, mugs and other branded merchandise. Fealty and adoration is great, but a goddess needs a certain amount of income to maintain the lifestyle I plan on becoming accustomed to. And big-ass, shiny tiaras don't come cheap.

And I’ll have to differentiate myself from that hu-normous coffee chain with the mermaid logo.

Because Caffeina is not Star-whatzits or Carib-who.

Caffeina embodies the pure, wholesome, comforting power of coffee. Not the confusing, calorie-laden, bored and sneering barista misery of Cupa-bucks and so many other hipster coffee chains.

Which is not to sling coffee grounds at Star-cups. Given the end of my Home Ec – I mean Family Consumer Science – teaching tenure and a potential lag in the take off of the whole Caffeina thing, I may find myself on the other side of the counter, as it were.

Just as many saints were sinners before they became saviours, a little time spent pouring over-priced, ridiculously named coffee-like substances could bolster my rep as the Goddess of All That is Coffee Goodness.

Rest assured that once I come into my full goddess-ness, I will be the “Sure, Hon, let me warm that up for you,” bottomless-cuppa-joe kind of goddess. The kind that offers coffee in three easy to understand sizes: Large, Larger, and Semi Tanker.

While I'm looking forward to the adoration, the tiara, and the occasional sacrifical cinnamon roll, the best part will be the promotion to full-time Coffee Goddess from part-time Domestic Goddess, part-time household engineer, mom, teacher and secretary. My self-worth is pretty tied up in my employment status and this could just be the ego boost I need.

And if it doesn't work out, I could always become “De-Caffeina: Handmaiden of El Diablo.”

I hear he's hiring.