As the long, hot summer drags on with only reruns and summer-season shoot 'em up, bite 'em ups on TV, I'm counting down the days until the new season of Haven starts. While I impatiently wait, my mind starts to wander.... What if I lived in Haven? (My life would certainly be less weird.) What if I could write for Haven? (I think I could tone down the weirdness in my real life enough to make it believable on screen.) What if I could meet the actors? What if... in the spirit of a hot and steamy summer... I could meet and interview Eric Balfour, Mr. Hot and Steamy himself? (And it's not easy picking just one hot and steamy guy from that cast.) Oh yeah, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: Thank you, Mr. Balfour, for agreeing to this interview.
EB: Please, call me Eric.
Me: OK... Eric. Well, um, as I was saying, thank you for being so shirtless, I mean so considerate, to meet with me. Shirtless. And why shouldn't you be? Shirtless, that is.
I mean, it is summer, and you are soooo hot. I mean it's sooo hot outside. Where you were before you came here... inside... shirtless.... hmmm.
EB: I'm really sorry. The photo shoot ran long, and I didn't have time to pick up a shirt. I didn't mean to offend-
ME: NO! No! I mean (ahem) no, I'm not offended, not at all.
It's all drool... I mean cool. It's all cool. It's not like I'm drooling... much. Shirtless guys. Pfft. No big. As if.
You're my chest... I mean guest... You're my guest... I want you to be delectable... I mean comfortable. And you look good shirtless. It's a good look for you. It works. For you.
I'm just not really used to interviewing half-naked men. Would you care to make it completely nayyy... naaay-ever mind.
You see, back home in the Midwest, it's too cold to go shirtless for about 11 months out of the year. Not that that stops some guys... although they're usually not the ones you want to see shirtless. It's all pasty-white man boobs and beer bellies back there. Trust me, there's not enough mental floss in the world to get rid of the things you see in downtown Iowa City after a home Hawkeye football win.
But you... are sooooo NOT like that.
You're like, sculpted to perfection. And maybe just a little bit beyond perfection.
It's kind of intimidating, sitting so close to this much perfection.
EB: Well, there is a little air brushing involved.
ME: Really? But how? I mean, it's really you, sitting right there... how could...? (I lean forward and squint to get a better look.)
Wow. Your abs are amazing. I mean that's amazing... the airbrushing.... They can really do that?
EB: No. Just kidding. Thought a little joke might break the ice. You know, help you relax (he flashes a megawatt smile).
ME: Oh! (I giggle nervously.) Of course. That's funny. (Another giggle.) And it's really kind of you to try and help me.... And speaking of help, here's someone with a shirt for you. Great. (Sigh)
Like that will stop my lustful thoughts... I mean ... Oops! I lost my train of thought.
But now that you are fully clothed, I'm sure I can rip that shirt right off your back… I mean turn back to my list of questions. Deep, insightful questions which I compiled after trolling the internet for your biography – and shirtless pictures – in a purely professional and not at all stalker-ish manner.
Because as a (former) journalist, I would never let myself be distracted by a hot body and handsome face... I mean a haa... umm... nope. I got nothing. I went there.
And you know what? I'm good with that. I'm not the kind of gal who gets all swoony and star-struck, obsessively reading People Magazine (unless I'm in a waiting room). But it's been a long, hot, boring, Haven-less summer, and I'm just really, really looking forward to the start of season four.
So, what do you say? Can you give me any hints about what we can look forward to this season? Will Audrey and Duke make it back from wherever the heck the barn went? Will Nathan be able to feel again? Will Dave and Vince ever cut loose with the secrets? Will Dwight get overtime for dealing with meteorites? Will having Colin Ferguson join the cast put you over the limit for amazingly hot actors?
Will any episodes – and by “any” I mean “Please God let them all” – feature you shirtless?
Hey, a girl can daydream, can't she?