Why Can't We Be (Facebook) Friends

Dear Potential Facebook Friend,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but, who are you?

I'll be the first to admit that I have a terrible memory for names, and lately my facial recognition skills are starting to slip, too. I already have some (four) FB friends who I thought I knew because we have so many friends in common, and because their name sounded familiar (or kinda sorta did), or their profile picture looked (vaguely) familiar. It took me months after clicking “Confirm” to realize that I don't, in fact, have any clue who these people are.

Not that it's a problem. I've never unfriended them because, quite frankly, their lives are so much more exciting and fun to read about than mine. And they share the best jokes! I have no idea why they haven't unfriended me, but I'm glad. I'm sure there have been times when my posts came across their newsfeed and they thought “who the heck is she and why did I click Confirm?”

I also have several FB friends who are friends of friends, or with whom I share a common interest – like running, writing or our community. Again, love reading their posts and reposts! Because, like I said, we have something in common.

But you.... You are an enigma. Quite frankly, I find your lack of personal information intriguing.

First of all I'd just like to say how honored and surprised I was to receive your friend request. Honored, because apparently I will be your first Facebook friend (Yay me!). Surprised because, let's be honest, you are some kinda hot. I mean, like, male-model hot. And single. And, apparently, friendless, which is kinda sad. And not at all suspicious.

I get it. You're from America, but you recently moved to Afghanistan or France or England and you haven't had time to make friends among the locals. Hey, you've been too busy to post any information in your profile, let alone meet people. In person, or on-line.

Quite frankly, as a proud American, I am a little concerned that we seem to be exporting such a high number of extremely attractive, middle-aged, single men lately. And you all are sending friend requests to little old me! I'm honored. And surprised. Again.

It's charming how you all seem to pose for the same style photos. What are the odds so many of you would own convertibles and speedboats, or that you would all be pilots or businessmen or part of such a large, large crowd? Not that I have anything against your profile picture or your cover page photo. They are stunning. And obviously not photoshopped. Not at all. Nope. Nope-er. Nope-est.

OK, I'll admit I was starting to get a little suspicious, especially when I received so many similar requests in such a short amount of time.

Then I received a FB friend request from Billy Joel. (True story.)

And? He used the same photos they used on the Billy Joel FB page I'm already following.

And? And? He only had one friend and no profile information.

My flabber was gasted.

Unfortunately someone at Facebook must have removed his request before I could click “Confirm.”

ConfirmConfirmConfirmConfirmCONFIRM.

So.

Obviously this means all you other 2-photo, 1-friend, no-info Friend Requesters are totally legit. Not that I ever suspected any of you were scammers or hackers or ne'er-do-wells.

And I realize that I may have hurt your feelings when I denied and deleted your friend request. I'll totally understand if you do not send me another friend request.

Really. It's OK. Don't do it.

Unless you're Billy Joel.

In which case....