I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Maybe it's because I've reached that age at which a woman's body goes
haywire (but it's not puberty). Or maybe I worry too much. Or maybe I
have an over-active imagination.
Or maybe it's my family.
Take the other night for example – it
doesn't matter which night exactly, because they're all the same –
I was having trouble falling asleep because The Girl Child (AKA The
Princess, when I'm not so worried) is starting her second year at
college, so she was not under my roof at that moment. And she's a
girl so I know how she thinks, because – believe it or not – I
was once a college-age girl. And because she's My Little Girl and I'm
Her Mommy and I'm supposed to worry about her.
And that made me think of The Boy Child
(AKA The Prince, when I'm not fretting), who is starting his junior
year of high school, so he was under my roof but won't be for long.
And he's a boy so I have no idea how he thinks, or even if he does
sometimes. And because he's My Little Boy and I'm His mumblemumble
Mom and that's just what I do.
But I forgot about those things because
The Darling Husband (AKA The King, when I'm not distraught) was
snoring so loud I couldn't sleep, and snoring may be a sign of sleep
apnea. And just at that moment HE STOPPED SNORING and I freaked out
because OBVIOUSLY HE WAS DEAD!
While I was straining to hear him
breath I started wondering if I had “accidentally” smothered him with
my pillow because HIS SNORING WAS DRIVING ME NUTS, but all of a
sudden SNRKXSZERK he was snoring again and I was glad he was alive,
but I was also kind of annoyed because HOW COULD I SLEEP WHEN HE WAS
SNORING SO LOUD?
Then the cat, sensing my distress,
jumped up on the bed. But instead of purring his rumbly, comforting
purr, he curled up behind my knees on the outside edge of the bed,
pinning the blanket down. This was a problem because TDH had pulled
the blankets tight on the other side of me, so I was TRAPPED LIKE A
MOUSE IN A BURRITO and I couldn't move. And between the little, furry
body on one side and the bigger, furry body on the other I was HOTTER
THAN HELL.
Since I have so much trouble sleeping I
hate to interrupt any one else's sleep, even if it is the cat and he
sleeps 26 out of 24 hours, so I reached down to scratch his little
ears and maybe get him to move just a little bit BUT HE DIDN'T MOVE
AT ALL and I realized that HE WASN'T PURRING EITHER, in fact I DIDN'T
THINK HE WAS BREATHING and oh, great, first my husband almost dies
and now my cat, when all of a sudden SNNNNNTTFF the cat started
snoring.
So I was thinking “Phew, really
dodged a bullet there,” and I wasn't sure which would be worse,
if my husband died or the cat. Because the kids would never believe
me if I lied and told them the cat “ran away,” but they might
believe their dad “ran away” because they've both
threatened to run away whenever I start dancing or singing. On the
other hand TDH might help me dispose of the cat's body, but
the cat would be ABSOLUTELY NO HELP disposing of TDH's body because I
clean the litter box and I know how bad he is at burying things.
In the mean time, I was going to
SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST, so TDH and the cat would both be reduced to
ashes and there wouldn't be ANY bodies to dispose of.
And I'd have the entire bed to myself
so I could finally get some sleep.
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