Giving In To Google

I am not technologically savvy.

That is a gross understatment. I have, however, found a way to co-exist with technology. Or so I thought.

Until now.

Google and I have been involved in an escalation of hostilities that has me reaching for a white flag of surrender. I'm not sure who started it (Google did), but my own hubris (totally Google's fault) may have played a part.

I recently started using Google Docs and Gmail more and I thought we were getting along pretty well-ish. Life was good-ish. We were happy-ish.

My only problem was that I couldn't access my Gmail from my cell phone. I could pull up the Gmail log-in screen on my browser (Google) and type in my password – luring me in with a false sense of progress – only to be crushed by the pulsing blue line of death.

Then I discovered the Gmail app for my android phone.

The clouds parted, the heavens opened, and a chorus of angels sang.

I downloaded and installed the app.

I logged in to one of my Gmail accounts.

Then I switched to another.

Then I tried to log out.

Then Gmail told me I needed a lock screen.

So I added a lock screen.

And I tried to log out.

But I had to log in before I could log out. And I couldn't log in because Gmail told me I needed to upgrade my program. But I couldn't upgrade because I needed to back up my information first but I didn't have room to back up anything because I needed an upgrade which could only happen if I logged out and I couldn't log out until I logged in and . . . .

So I uninstalled Gmail from my phone.

Except that I didn't.

And it kept reminding me that I needed to upgrade.

And back up.

And add a lock screen.

And log out.

So I re-installed, lock screened, logged in, logged out, uninstalled and unlocked.

And then my calendar was wiped clean.

As in, all past, present and future engagements were gone.

All of them.

Gone.

I can live without accessing Gmail from my phone. But my calendar? Most (all) of the time I can't remember what day of the week it is, let alone what I am supposed to be doing. Having an electronic calendar on my phone has been a life saver – especially since I figured out how to save appointments on it (usually).

I decided to try to access my Google account from my laptop to see if my calendar had been saved there.

Google told me I needed to add a new gmail to my account before I could do anything. But it can't be one of the FIVE gmail account names I already have (between part-time jobs and personal) because those are already taken. By me.

I lost my temper.

“Flock yourself, Google!” I said. Or something that sounded like that.

“I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What would you like me to do?”

The Voice-Activated Google Assistant on my phone – the same VAGA that can't understand me when I am speaking Slow. Ly. And. Clear. Ly. And. Di. Rect. Ly into the microphone – suddenly decided to answer me from across the room.

I nearly wet my pants.

It's the computer-buddy equivalent of “would you like to step outside and settle this?”

Rather than risk having my phone open a can of whoop-ass on me, I've decided to spend the rest of the day trying to sort out my various Google accounts.

It's not like I have anything else to do.

I mean, my calendar is clear.