The story thus far: Julie is in quarantine and Miss Irene has been kicked out of the grocery store
for her role in...
Interrogation Transcript: Deavers' Family
Foods Cleanup on Aisle 9 incident.
Voice 1: I keep tellin' ya, this
is not an interrogation, Miss Irene, we're just tryin' to get to the
bottom of . . . is that a tape recorder?
Voice 2: Not like that Dale! You
have to identify yourself before you start talking. That was Dale,
the store manager. I'm Paulette Palmedo. And I'd like to plead the
first amendment.
Dale: I think you mean the fifth
amendment, and this is . . . .
Paulette: Exciting! Isn't it?
Just like on Jackie Gleason. You know, my Pauley used to call me
his little Della Street. (Giggle) And that's my tape recorder.
My son gave it to me. He thinks I'm forgetful.
Dale: I know, mother. And I
think you mean Perry Mason. Like I was saying, we're just
tryin' to get to the bottom of what happened . . . .
Voice 3: What happened? What
happened? I'll tell you what happened. That . . . .
Paulette: State your name.
Voice 3: That's ridic . . . . .
Paulette: State your name! Your honor, if it please the court . . . .
Dale: This isn't a court, Mom .
. . er, Ma'am. You are each valued customers here at Deavers' Family
Foods, but we just can't have a repeat of what happened . . . .
Voice 3: Lena Johansen. My name
is Lena Johansen and I'll tell you what happened. That woman
assaulted me in the soup aisle.
Paulette: Let the record show
Lena “Wack Doodle” Johansen pointed at Miss Irene just then.
They'll never hear you shakin' that bony finger of you'n on the
transcript.
Dale: For the last time, Mother,
this is not a transcript. Mr. Deavers would like to avoid legal
action at all costs.
Voice 4: Then what's Deputy Doug
doin' here? This is Irene Truman speaking.
Voice 5: (Clears throat) Deputy
David Doug . . . do you need my badge number?
Dale: NO!
Deputy Doug: So, what am I doing
here, anyway? Technically I'm not on duty, and anyways I didn't. . .
.
Dale: Deputy Doug just happened
to be the first shopper on the scene. He's the one who called for
backup, er, I mean cleanup.
Paulette: Darn. I thought maybe
he was gonna frisk me again.
Deputy Doug: No! I mean, I
didn't frisk you in the first place. I definitely don't want to do it
again.
Paulette: All natural here,
Deputy. No fillers or GMOs.
Lena: If we could please get
back to the heinous and unprovoked assault upon my person. I'd like
to have the term “wack doodle” stricken from the record, please,
as it may prejudice the jury.
Miss Irene: Heinous and
unprovoked my heiny. You failed to yield the right of way in the
produce section, stole that last package of Oreos right from under my
hand, and repeatedly violated the Covid-protocol, one-way traffic
signs in the shopping aisles. Officer, arrest this woman!
Deputy Doug: Like I was saying,
I'm not sure the grocery store falls under my jurisdiction.
Lena: I got to the Oreos first
fare and square. Besides, you're about one sandwich cookie away from
needing a wide-load sticker pasted on your rear.
Miss Irene: Wide load, eh?
You'll think wide load when I . . . .
Lena: Let the record show the
perpetrator brandished a tangerine in a threatening manner! Oh! The
flashbacks! I may never eat another citrus fruit as long as I live.
Miss Irene: One more wide-load
crack and you may not have long to live. Besides. I wasn't the one
who started the fruit fight.
Paulette: It was a random,
drive-by fruiting. Just like the one that did in poor John Travolta.
Dale: That was Pierce Brosnan in
Mrs. Doubtfire, Mother.
Lena: Now really, Miss Irene.
You can't expect me to believe that Paulette threw that grapefruit at
me.
Miss Irene: I didn't say a word.
Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches.
Lena: Paulette is three foot
tall and blind as a bat. She couldn't hit the broadside of a . . . .
Paulette: I
used to pitch for the Rockford Peaches.
Dale: That was Gena Davis,
Mother. A League of Their Own.
Paulette: I was just givin' ya'
the ol' brushback. You crowded the plate, stepped into the pitch . .
. and you were comin' down the aisle the wrong way.
Lena: Pfft, one-way shopping aisles. I've got more important things to attend to, like that two for one special on cream of mushroom
soup! I was checking expiration dates when I was viciously assaulted by a flying fruit! I tried to turn my cart around
and head back up the aisle, but Miss Irene was blocking my exit.
Paulette: We had ya' in a
pickle!
Lena: When I turned around again, a grapefruit brushed my beehive!
Paulette: The runner stole on a
wild pitch! Safe at second base!
Deputy Doug: I swear I thought that was your waist! I was trying to steady you!
Paulette: Gravity and old age,
Deputy. Life's seventh-inning sag.
(Silence)
Dale: You can go now, Deputy.
I'm sorry for . . . . Thank you for your service to
our country, sir.
(Footsteps receding. A door opens
and closes.)
(Muffled giggles. A snort.)
Dale: Alright, Mrs. Johansen,
let's talk cold turkey. What's it going to take to make all this go
away? Mr. Deavers has authorized me to make a very generous
settlement. I'm prepared to offer you five percent off today's
purchase.
Lena: Twenty.
Dale: Ten, and double coupons for
store-brand items.
Lena: Fine. And I want their
loyalty rewards card privileges revoked.
Miss Irene: But . . . .
Lena: And Paulette has to take
shopping scooter traffic school class before she can get back behind
the wobbly wheels of a cart.
Dale: Done!
Paulette: But . . . .
Lena: You whipped around the end of the aisle on that scooter like you were Thelma and Louise heading for
the cliff!
(Footsteps receding. Door closing.
Paulette: I know Thelma Louise!
Dale: (Sigh) No, Mother, she means . . . .
Paulette: I ran into her the other day, over by the Methodist Church.
Dale: So that's what happened to the bumper on the
Cadillac!
Paulette: Pomelo.
Dale: I'll say!
Paulette: No, that's what hit Lena. I pummeled her with a pomelo. Some people just can't remember
details.
Meanwhile, Muffy is making mischief of her own . . . . To be continued.