Reality Gets Really Real (Almost)

With the proliferation of reality tv, it's only a matter of time before everyone has their own show. I'm sad to report my own dreams of unscripted stardom have crashed and burned, even before they hit the small screen. To paraphrase A Few Good Men, “You want my reality? You can't handle my reality!”

Planned Shooting Script

5:30 a.m.: They start the day early in the Midwest! Cameras will start rolling at the crack of dawn to capture the cheerful scene as Housewife rises and prepares breakfast for her family.

Reality

Shooting was delayed 2 hours while Camera One was repaired following early morning incident with Housewife. Producer's assumption about “early morning riser” does not apply to this subject. Cameraman is requesting hazardous duty pay.

8 a.m.: Reminiscent of 1950's sitcoms, we'll tape Housewife handing out lovingly made sack lunches and kisses to the Children and Hubby as they cheerfully leave the house to start their day. Transition to housewife doing light cleaning chores around the house – have costume department find June Cleaver-esque housedress, pearls and heels?

Request upgrade to heavy duty, impact-resistant cameras used by imbedded journalists. Camera Two damaged as Children, Housewife and Husband ran amok in frantic attempt to finish school work, pack backpacks, find shoes and jackets, gather a variety of prepackaged foods that may or may not have nutritional value, and get out of house on time.

Side note: Producer sent to Urgent Care to have high heeled shoe removed from sensitive area after suggesting chaos may have been avoided if Housewife had gotten up at 5:30 according to schedule.

10 a.m.: Chores done for the morning, Housewife will enjoy a cup of tea while sharing reflections on the joys of motherhood.

Cameraman cowers in corner while Housewife frantically searches cabinets for coffee. Housewife vows to shove coffee maker up Producer's nose for using the last of the coffee at 5:30 a.m. and not replenishing supply.

11 a.m.: Housewife will head into nearby State City to run errands. Boooring! Suggest lunch at upscale bistro, introduce element of intrigue.

Housewife's departure is delayed when it is discovered the cat has hacked up a hairball. Housewife cleans up hairball. Cameraman realizes “hairball” is euphemism for “vomit.” Cameraman hacks up “hairball.” Housewife cleans.

Housewife is on way out the door when Child One calls from school requesting delivery of homework. While searching for missing homework, Child Two texts requesting delivery of signed permission slip to be found “somewhere near the table.” On way out the door again when Husband calls reminding Housewife to deliver bill payments on fridge. One foot in garage when Producer calls from Urgent Care asking why she is still at home. Also, he has been discharged from Urgent Care and needs a ride. Housewife's reply to be bleeped out.

Only 30 minutes behind schedule, Housewife makes deliveries to both Children, drops off bill payments, picks up mail at post office, fills car with gas and gets a large coffee. Cameraman breaths a sigh of relief.

Video and audio for drive to State City cannot be used. Housewife swearing at other drivers, Cameraman trembling and screaming.

Housewife arrives in State City. First item on shopping list requires trips to three different stores to locate. Grocery list is MIA, as are items to be returned (last seen before “hairball” incidents). Coupons have expired. Again, audio is unusable.

Producer is surprised to learn that “Chez Donald's” is not, in fact, an upscale steakhouse, and that “al fresco” dining is, in fact, the drive-thru. Housewife tells him to shut up and eat his Happy Meal.

2 p.m. Housewife will visit her Mother in the nursing home. Potential for drama is high.

Excellent footage! Mother is charming. Their conversation is touching although repetitive. Quick replay seems to be five takes of the same exchange. Cameraman is teary eyed. I smell an Emmy!

Update: Footage and camera destroyed, Producer injured after musing aloud about plans to juxtapose footage of Housewife's “I Lost 10 Pounds” Happy-Dance with footage of Mother patting HW's knee and gently saying “You're getting really big.”

HW and Cameraman stop to get chocolate shakes after taking Producer back to Urgent Care. HW eats the whipped cream and top half of both. Cameraman wisely says nothing.

6-10 p.m. End of day video captures family interaction as they share a bountiful meal. Suggest family game night to increase opportunities for Rockwell-esque shots of peaceful family time.

Family dinner becomes “Make Your Own Dinner Night.” Family eats in shifts as Daughter has school activities, Housewife has meeting, Husband works late, Son slips out to play with friends. Cameraman and Producer share quiet meal of Pizza Rolls, reflect on their day.

Family Game Night ends after 10 minutes, amid accusations of cheating. Housewife says this is five minutes longer than last Family Game Night. Calls it a success. Family members exchange fist bumps, head off to their respective computers.

Housewife at computer writing for NaNoWriMo. Two hours later she has Googled spelling of 4 words, won 5 games of solitaire, liked 10 Facebook posts, and has written half a page about why she could never have her own reality show.

Day ends with only 5 minutes of usable audio. Suggest pulling plug on this pilot.