Is That a Mug in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Dear Mr. Coffee,

I'm a big fan of yours. Or, I should say I'm a big fan of coffee (the life-supporting beverage), and I have been – off and on – a big fan of Mr. Coffee, in that you make coffee in a readily ingested liquid form available in my cup.

But that's about to change.

The part about being a fan of Mr. Coffee, not the part about being a fan of coffee (nectar of the gods).

You see Mr. Coffee, you have the same problem other “Misters” have. You have a problem measuring.

Just like fishermen are said to misrepresent the size of their fish, you misrepresent your cup size.

Maybe I'm being too harsh when I say “misrepresent.” Perhaps “fail to mention,” “neglect to inform” or “skip that important little tidbit” would be more accurate.

You see, I recently undertook what I thought was a coffee maker upgrade. My puny (but honest) one-cup-at-a-time coffee maker just wasn't satisfying me anymore. It took too long to heat up, required too much effort to get ready for action, and sometimes it finished before I was satisfied with the fill level.

So picked up an available 5-cup maker at a coffee bar. Bigger, better, faster, more. At least that's what the label said.

Except....

Except that my one-cup-at-a-time maker put out as much coffee as I put in water. Within reason, of course. For cups over 12-oz., I was advised to seek immediate attention (to avoid reservoir overflow).

And yes. I do have cups bigger than 12-oz. I like big cups and I can not lie.

Imagine my surprise then, when I realized the pot for my new 5-cup brewer was not much bigger than my mug. Cups is cups is cups right?

Not so much, I discovered.

While the box clearly advertised “5-cups” it never actually mentioned cup size. After looking really, really hard, there in the fine print, buried on page eight of the user manual I discovered:

“1-cup = 5 oz. brewed coffee.”

Which strikes me as funny because there in the large print, clearly emblazoned in eye-catching, red letters on the front of my Pyrex liquid measuring cup it says:

“1-cup = 8 oz.”

And, of course, I think:

“1-cup = 12 oz.”

So my new (bigger, better, faster, more) coffee machine makes just 20 ounces of coffee at a time. That's one and a half mugs. I won't even mention the premature pouring.

I now realize my new machine is the same size as those sleazy motel coffee maker affairs. The ones that make only two styrofoam cups-full. That's just enough to get me moving and down to the front desk, where – God help us all – there had better be an urn of complimentary coffee or there will be hell to pay. If I get lucky, it's enough coffee to get me to the mini-mart next door to satisfying my jonesing. I have been known to stop for a mini-mart cup of coffee on my way to the fancy schmancy coffee shop so that I have a lil' sum sum to tide me over as I wait for the gravity-fed, peace-love-and-mellowness, slow-drip coffee to come together in my cup.

While we're on the subject, I think hotels should offer a choice of caffeinated or decaffeinated rooms (with two packets of one style grounds, instead of one of each), much like the smoking and nonsmoking rooms available now. I'm the only one in my family who drinks coffee, which is why we are able to share one overcrowded hotel room without incident, even as the kids get bigger and we argue over sleeping arrangements, pillow allotments, towel assignments, shower time and possession of room keys.

But I digress.

Which is what happens when I drink coffee 5-ounces at a time.

So really, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Because when it comes to coffee, Mister, size matters.