I am not technologically savvy.
That is a gross understatment. I have, however, found a way to co-exist with technology. Or so I thought.
Google and I have been involved in an escalation of hostilities that has me reaching for a white flag of surrender. I'm not sure who started it (Google did), but my own hubris (totally Google's fault) may have played a part.
I recently started using Google Docs and Gmail more and I thought we were getting along pretty well-ish. Life was good-ish. We were happy-ish.
My only problem was that I couldn't access my Gmail from my cell phone. I could pull up the Gmail log-in screen on my browser (Google) and type in my password – luring me in with a false sense of progress – only to be crushed by the pulsing blue line of death.
Then I discovered the Gmail app for my android phone.
The clouds parted, the heavens opened, and a chorus of angels sang.
I downloaded and installed the app.
I logged in to one of my Gmail accounts.
Then I switched to another.
Then I tried to log out.
Then Gmail told me I needed a lock screen.
So I added a lock screen.
And I tried to log out.
But I had to log in before I could log out. And I couldn't log in because Gmail told me I needed to upgrade my program. But I couldn't upgrade because I needed to back up my information first but I didn't have room to back up anything because I needed an upgrade which could only happen if I logged out and I couldn't log out until I logged in and . . . .
So I uninstalled Gmail from my phone.
Except that I didn't.
And it kept reminding me that I needed to upgrade.
And back up.
And add a lock screen.
And log out.
So I re-installed, lock screened, logged in, logged out, uninstalled and unlocked.
And then my calendar was wiped clean.
As in, all past, present and future engagements were gone.
All of them.
I can live without accessing Gmail from my phone. But my calendar? Most (all) of the time I can't remember what day of the week it is, let alone what I am supposed to be doing. Having an electronic calendar on my phone has been a life saver – especially since I figured out how to save appointments on it (usually).
I decided to try to access my Google account from my laptop to see if my calendar had been saved there.
Google told me I needed to add a new gmail to my account before I could do anything. But it can't be one of the FIVE gmail account names I already have (between part-time jobs and personal) because those are already taken. By me.
I lost my temper.
“Flock yourself, Google!” I said. Or something that sounded like that.
“I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What would you like me to do?”
The Voice-Activated Google Assistant on my phone – the same VAGA that can't understand me when I am speaking Slow. Ly. And. Clear. Ly. And. Di. Rect. Ly into the microphone – suddenly decided to answer me from across the room.
I nearly wet my pants.
It's the computer-buddy equivalent of “would you like to step outside and settle this?”
Rather than risk having my phone open a can of whoop-ass on me, I've decided to spend the rest of the day trying to sort out my various Google accounts.
It's not like I have anything else to do.
I mean, my calendar is clear.