Top 5 Reasons I Should Interview Billy Joel

I've been watching videos on YouTube of Billy Joel interviews and master classes to prepare myself for his upcoming concert at Wrigley Field... because you can never be too well prepared. (And because if I wasn't watching Billy Joel videos I would have to be doing laundry, washing dishes, or otherwise cleaning house and generally doing stuff I really don't want to do.)

And it occurred to me that I should try to wrangle a personal interview with Billy Joel.

I mean, why not? I'm an up and coming blogger with a readership of literally fives of people (on a good day). I'm working on those numbers and fully expect that any day now I could reach – dare I dream it? – tens of people!

And, I mean, why not? What's the worst that could happen? (Besides being slapped with a restraining order. Really? How much farther away from Long Island could I get than Iowa? In a philosophical sense, anyway.)

Face it, worst-case scenario: the answer is no or I get no reply. Please. I'm a mom. I'm used to people ignoring me. It's like they sing in South Pacific, “If you don't have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?” (Or have an reason to reference “Happy Talk”?)

After much thought, here are my Top 5 Reasons Billy Joel Should Agree to an Interview with Me:

1. I'm cute and spunky. Who doesn't like cute and spunky? (Besides Lou Grant from “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” And he doesn't count, because he really did like Mary.) Obviously I'm spunky because despite the fact that an unknown blogger has absolutely a snowball's chance in hell of landing an interview with Billy Joel, I'm going after it! And obviously I'm cute, because spunky people are always cute. (And I have great legs. Just sayin'.) And I have a great sense of humor. Obviously.

2. I'm fresh off a 3-day return engagement as (acting)Editor of the West Liberty Index weekly newspaper (circulation: more than my blog), so my interviewing and writing skills have been re-honed to my previous razor-sharp editorial... razor-sharpedness.

3. I am the kindest, gentlest interviewer you will ever encounter. In my brief but fabulous tenure as the Arts and Entertainment Editor of the Iowa City Press-Citizen, all my years at the Index and the West Branch Times --  heck even as a high school teacher, speech coach and speech contest judge – I have never made anyone cry. And a few of them deserved it, believe me.

4. Talk about a softball interview! Who doesn't like to be set up for a guaranteed success every now and then? Not that Billy Joel needs to be set up for success. You don't get much more successful than what, a bazillion sold-out concerts in a row?

But he has, in the past (as I learned from those YouTube videos) had issues with reviewers and critics. With me? No issues. None. Nada. And it's not because I'm on the take (or would be swayed by his presence, talent, or general adorableness). It's because I'm a genuinely nice person (who happens to be a cute, spunky, talented writer with great legs).

5. The timing is perfect! Billy Joel is going to be in Chicago, I'm going to be in Chicago (because Billy Joel is in Chicago). Unless I get lost on the way there, in which case Billy Joel will be in Chicago and I'll be God only knows where swearing, crying and generally making a scene. Vegas odds are not in my favor; but if I do make it, I could be in the chips!

Do I really think I'll get to interview Billy Joel? No. Do I really believe anyone will read my email request? No. But this little exercise broke my writer's block (and provided divine-inspiration for my dual-language summer camp story lead).

And writing this was a hell of a lot more fun than doing the dishes.

Daydream Drooling

As the long, hot summer drags on with only reruns and summer-season shoot 'em up, bite 'em ups on TV, I'm counting down the days until the new season of Haven starts. While I impatiently wait, my mind starts to wander.... What if I lived in Haven? (My life would certainly be less weird.) What if I could write for Haven? (I think I could tone down the weirdness in my real life enough to make it believable on screen.) What if I could meet the actors? What if... in the spirit of a hot and steamy summer... I could meet and interview Eric Balfour, Mr. Hot and Steamy himself? (And it's not easy picking just one hot and steamy guy from that cast.) Oh yeah, what could possibly go wrong?

Me: Thank you, Mr. Balfour, for agreeing to this interview.

EB: Please, call me Eric.

Me: OK... Eric. Well, um, as I was saying, thank you for being so shirtless, I mean so considerate, to meet with me. Shirtless. And why shouldn't you be? Shirtless, that is.

     I mean, it is summer, and you are soooo hot. I mean it's sooo hot outside. Where you were before you came here... inside... shirtless.... hmmm.

EB: I'm really sorry. The photo shoot ran long, and I didn't have time to pick up a shirt. I didn't mean to offend-

ME: NO! No! I mean (ahem) no, I'm not offended, not at all.

It's all drool... I mean cool. It's all cool. It's not like I'm drooling... much. Shirtless guys. Pfft. No big. As if.

     You're my chest... I mean guest... You're my guest... I want you to be delectable... I mean comfortable. And you look good shirtless. It's a good look for you. It works. For you.

     I'm just not really used to interviewing half-naked men. Would you care to make it completely nayyy... naaay-ever mind.

     You see, back home in the Midwest, it's too cold to go shirtless for about 11 months out of the year. Not that that stops some guys... although they're usually not the ones you want to see shirtless. It's all pasty-white man boobs and beer bellies back there. Trust me, there's not enough mental floss in the world to get rid of the things you see in downtown Iowa City after a home Hawkeye football win.

     But you... are sooooo NOT like that.

     You're like, sculpted to perfection. And maybe just a little bit beyond perfection.

     It's kind of intimidating, sitting so close to this much perfection.

EB: Well, there is a little air brushing involved.

ME: Really? But how? I mean, it's really you, sitting right there... how could...? (I lean forward and squint to get a better look.)

     Wow. Your abs are amazing. I mean that's amazing... the airbrushing.... They can really do that?

EB: No. Just kidding. Thought a little joke might break the ice. You know, help you relax (he flashes a megawatt smile).

ME: Oh! (I giggle nervously.) Of course. That's funny. (Another giggle.) And it's really kind of you to try and help me.... And speaking of help, here's someone with a shirt for you. Great. (Sigh)

     Just great.

     Like that will stop my lustful thoughts... I mean ... Oops! I lost my train of thought.

     But now that you are fully clothed, I'm sure I can rip that shirt right off your back… I mean turn back to my list of questions. Deep, insightful questions which I compiled after trolling the internet for your biography – and shirtless pictures – in a purely professional and not at all stalker-ish manner.

     Because as a (former) journalist, I would never let myself be distracted by a hot body and handsome face... I mean a haa... umm... nope. I got nothing. I went there.

     And you know what? I'm good with that. I'm not the kind of gal who gets all swoony and star-struck, obsessively reading People Magazine (unless I'm in a waiting room). But it's been a long, hot, boring, Haven-less summer, and I'm just really, really looking forward to the start of season four.

     So, what do you say? Can you give me any hints about what we can look forward to this season? Will Audrey and Duke make it back from wherever the heck the barn went? Will Nathan be able to feel again? Will Dave and Vince ever cut loose with the secrets? Will Dwight get overtime for dealing with meteorites? Will having Colin Ferguson join the cast put you over the limit for amazingly hot actors?

     Will any episodes – and by “any” I mean “Please God let them all” – feature you shirtless?

Hey, a girl can daydream, can't she?