Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Press One Now

This is your 358th notice that we are trying to waste your time with some special offer that you have absolutely no desire to hear about or respond to.

Your factory warranty, that you didn't know you had, on your outstanding credit card debt of an outrageous amount that we totally made up just to get your attention is set to expire soon. We know we told you that when we called the first time and every time since then, but this time we really mean it.

We need you to call your congressman, neighbors and everyone else you ever met in order to get this vital legislation passed. Please hang on the line to listen to a short, 30-minute recording that will make absolutely no sense but is designed to mentally beat you into submission so that by the time it is finished you will beg for the opportunity to send us any amount of money just to make us go away.

We know we interrupted your dinner, caught you just as you were walking out the door or on your way to the bathroom, or woke you up from your nap. We know that you are standing there with a toothbrush in your mouth and foam dribbling down your chin, or counting the seconds until the smoke alarm goes off because you left dinner to burn on the stove hoping this might be that important phone call you've been waiting for all day. We think this will make you more receptive to our sales approach.

We realize the only reason you are still on the line is that you think we will give you the opportunity to have to your name taken off the list. Before we get to that option we will continue to drone on and on about how your life, the lives of those around you, your money, and the fate of the entire United States is at danger without the excellent protection we offer. By now you have probably forgotten what this offer was even about. That is probably for the best.

To find out how we can fleece -- I mean help -- you, please press one now. You will be put on hold until you can be connected to a bored customer service representative who may or may not speak English, but who will be extremely angry that you interrupted his or her game of Spider Solitaire. He or she will hang up rudely if you say that you want to be taken off our call list for this spectacular, once in a lifetime opportunity which you will receive calls about every day for the rest of your life and even longer than that. Do not even try to argue with them. They are lifeless pod people who are paid by the hour, not by the response. They are not actually listening to you and couldn't care less about your response.

If you wish to be taken off our contact list, tough nuts to you. You can press two if it will make you feel better, but this will not accomplish anything. You may get a recording that says you will be taken off our list. This is a lie. Pressing two will just put you on our re-call list, because obviously you didn't realize what a wonderful program this is and how it will make your life richer and more fulfilling. We will continue to call until you surrender your soul and sign up.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

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